


Breathing Is A Side Effect Of Being Alive

by booksandanime



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: And accepts who he is, Angst and Fluff, Defining Humanity, He also falls for Raphael along the way, Intense Emotions, M/M, Negative Thoughts, Occurs before and after the last episode, Raphael Santiago saved himself, Simon apologizes, Simon needs to let go of his doubts, Why vampires are not monsters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-03 19:43:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6623725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksandanime/pseuds/booksandanime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you're alive, your heart beats, your breath catches and comes in gasps, you age and fall in love and die.</p><p>When you're undead, your heart pantomimes beating, you gasp for air that isn't needed, you never age, you fall in love, you stay together if you decide to. </p><p>This is a story of how Simon Lewis let go of normalcy and thoughts of being a monster in favor of falling in love with Raphael Santiago. (It's not a bad trade, really.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathing Is A Side Effect Of Being Alive

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Saphael fic, and the Shadowhunters TV series is responsible for this.
> 
> There are a few self-hate themes here, and negative emotions, and the beginning has Simon wanting to die, so if you're triggered by this, please don't read. I'll write another fic for you guys, and it will be fluffier than this, just ask. ^ ^
> 
> (I promise, the fic is fluffier than this, I just don't want you guys to be triggered.)

If someone had told Simon that in a few years, he'd be a vampire, he would laugh in their faces and then proceed to ask them what vampire movie they were last watching. He'd never believe them for the life of him, which was just as well, since he was already quite undead.   
  
  
And being in the situation he was now, he didn't find it funny at all.  
  
  
In fact he found it to be quite disgusting, he found  _himself_ to be disgusting, and he knew that some people wouldn't hesitate to agree. He wasn't human anymore, he was, in all definitions of the word, a monster.   
  
  
His mind was filled with a desire for blood, sounds were hammering in his ears, and everything was too bright, too loud, too fast, too  _everything.  
  
  
_ He could hear people's heartbeats, people's breathing, people's blood  _rushing through their bodes,_ like how was that even possible? It did nothing to improve his state of mind, and he felt worse than before, if that's even possible.  
  
  
He's scared, he's so so scared, it feels as if the dark is closing in on him, he needs to get away from everything, he needs to go somewhere safe.   
  
  
Where where where, where he can find this place. There's obviously something wrong with him because right now his mind is telling him to go to Raphael,  _he can help you, he's a vampire,_ but he's still feeling strange and after yelling at Raphael, he doesn't think he wants him there.   
  
  
He doesn't even want himself to be anywhere near humans, but he needs to see his family, they could keep him safe and- Wait. No. Of course they couldn't keep him safe, he was a vampire! He had to stay away from them! But he needed them, to keep himself sane, but how on earth could he see them if he couldn't even control his urges?   
  
  
So he decided to flee into the night.   
  
  
_It's a lonely time,_ he thought,  _when you become so afraid of yourself that you have to keep everyone you love away from you._  
  
  
He used his speed to get away, tears stinging his eyes the whole time, or maybe it was just the wind.  
  
  
He honestly doesn't know anymore.  
  
-  
  
No one understands, but they care.  
  
  
For some reason, that hurts Simon more than he thinks it could. He knows that Clary and Luke cares about him, and Luke to some extent, understands what he's going through, but it's not the same. Luke can still go out in daylight. Luke can drink coffee. Luke doesn't need to drink blood. Sure there are some werewolf qualities that are negative, but Luke has things under control.  
  
  
What can Simon do?   
  
  
Well for starters, he can't drink coffee, he can't go out in direct sunlight, but he can see his reflection. He has to control his urges, he knows, but right now, all he can remember is hurt.  
  
  
He's overreacting, he knows that, but he's scared.  
  
  
He's scared that he's going to hurt someone, and he knows that Clary and Luke just want to help him, but he can't shake away the feeling that he could hurt them. He trusts Luke to take care of himself and Clary, but it's still a possibility.  
  
  
He loves them so much, and any thought that crosses his mind of a chance that he could hurt them makes him want to run away, far from them, where they would be safe. He can't lose them, he can't, he needs them so much it's almost pathetic.  
  
  
He needs to understand himself more.  
  
  
Which means he's going to have to swallow his pride and find Raphael. They need to talk.   
  
-  
  
They had a fight again.  
  
  
Him and Raphael. They just can't seem to get along for some reason.   
  
  
Simon's pretty sure that reason is because he's being stubborn, but it's not easy to stop letting his emotions out. It's practically impossible when he's with Raphael, because there's something about him that just makes Simon want to show him both the worst and the best parts of himself, and it scares him.  
  
  
He's never liked showing anyone the weaker sides of himself, mostly because he can't bear to. It's vulnerable, and he hates feeling as if everyone is judging him, because he cares about what others think, and sometimes it hurts. Sometimes the world can be a little too much, and all he wants to do is to hide away, because damn it, emotions are hard to deal with.  
  
  
Especially now that he's a vampire, everything feels just a little more intense than usual. The lights, the sounds, the anger and frustration that he feels.   
  
  
He knows that Raphael isn't strictly responsible for what's happened to him, he heard the whole story from Clary. He thinks he should apologize sometime, but why should he? Raphael hates him, there's nothing he can say to change that, to change what he thinks.   
  
  
And honestly, he's a monster.   
  
  
That's what he keeps coming to, that's the line that he uses in order to justify his actions. He's a monster, so he should behave like one, isn't that just simple logic? How can he even think of himself as human when so many things has changed? At least Clary got to be half angel, but he's a vampire.  
  
  
He sucks blood for a living, because he needs to, because without it, he could die for a second time, and wouldn't that be tragic? Honestly, maybe it would be better if he just die-  
  
  
_You're still you, Simon._  
  
  
He grit his teeth. Dammit Clary, no, no he isn't! He's a monster who can't stay in direct sunlight, what gives her any reason to-  
  
  
_No matter what.  
  
  
_ He wants to scream.  
  
  
_I need you, Simon.  
  
  
_ Of course she does, she always needs him, he needs her too! Yet where is she now, probably a hundred miles away, far from his side, because he can't control his urges! He's trying, he's trying so freaking hard, but training isn't easy.  
  
  
And it's not even Raphael's fault, it's his. He's just really bad at this, really bad at understanding everything, mainly because he's still hoping that this isn't true, that things will go back to normal if he thinks about it.  
  
  
He needs to stop this. He can't keep fooling himself like this, he isn't going to go anywhere with this mindset.   
  
  
He needs to wake up.  
  
  
But if he does, if he lets go of this, what's going to happen next?   
  
  
_It's scary,_ he thinks,  _to let go of your hope for something familiar. It means that things are changing, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a bad change.  
  
  
_ He needs to apologize to Raphael.  
  
-  
  
The first thing Simon says when Raphael opens the door is, "I realized something."  
  
  
Raphael raises one eyebrow. "Oh? And what might that be?"  
  
  
"That you push people really hard, and you expect a lot from them, but that's ok. Because that's your method of teaching me, of helping me learn how to control my hunger for blood. You're helping me realize that I'm not a monster, and you're definitely not one, no matter what I say. And, I know that I'm being stubborn, but it's only because I wanted to be a human, I didn't want to believe that I'm stuck as a vampire for the rest of my undead life, which is really long. I guess, instead of holding onto everything that makes me human, I'm only going to focus on the little things. And I'm going to pay more attention to you, so I hope you know that I really am sorry, even if you're a real pain sometimes." Simon says, and he offers a small smile at Raphael.  
  
  
"All that without me having to tell you my sad story about how I was Turned?" Raphael asks, surprised.  
  
  
"Well, I figured that you would tell me if you ever planned to. But even without it, I know you've experienced what I felt before, maybe it was worse, maybe it was better, but it was still the experience of losing a life in exchange for eternity." Simon replies.  
  
  
"Well done. You actually learned something, baby." Raphael remarks, one corner of his mouth pulling upwards.  
  
  
Simon frowns. "I'm not a baby."  
  
  
"Oh yes you are. Compared to everyone in this clan, you are, since you're the newest member. It's nothing to be ashamed of." Raphael says, seemingly amused.  
  
  
"Easy for you to say, you're like hundreds of years old!" Simon exclaims.   
  
  
"Wrong. I'm 70 years old." Raphael says, then looks surprised, as if he didn't mean to tell Simon that.  
  
  
"Wow, you're younger than I expected." Simon remarks. "Do the older vampires get mad at you when you can't relate to their childhood memories?"  
  
  
"Sometimes." Raphael admits.  
  
  
"Hah! That's funny." Simon says, laughing. "Well I need to go now, before I say anything else embarrassing, I'll see you early tomorrow for training, I'll concentrate more tomorrow."  
  
  
"I'll hold you to that." Raphael says, smiling softly.  
  
  
"Great. Good talk." Simon says, waving a little before turning around and dashing back to his room.   
  
  
He's a little nervous because he wanted to stay longer, and staying longer would mean trying to be friends with Raphael. Which wouldn't be bad at all, but if there's anything he's learned from numerous vampire movies from over the years, it's that two things are bound to happen:   
  
  
A.) He'd be killed.  
  
  
or  
  
  
B.) He'd develop feelings  
  
  
Right now, he isn't sure which option is worse, because he's been through that whole unrequited thing before, and he's still not that sure that he's over Clary, and it wouldn't be fair to Raphael if he only falls for him halfway.  
  
  
So yeah. If he figures out how to be a vampire, he'll figure out his possible "friendship thing" with Raphael.  
  
-  
  
One of the things Simon hates about sleeping are the nightmares.  
  
  
Nightmares of being buried beneath the earth, gasping for air that your lungs don't need anymore, that desire of blood. Dreams of Camille whispering lies and manipulations in his mind, dragging her nails across his skin, sinking her fangs into his neck, that feeling of dying.  
  
  
And then waking up.  
  
  
Sometimes Raphael is too far away, hand outstretched as if wanting to shake Simon, eyes filled with concern. Sometimes he's too close, hands on Simon, grounding him, noses almost touching, eyes blinking, almost going cross eyed.   
  
  
It's the latter times that always makes Simon's heart pantomime beating.   
  
  
Raphael would always remind him that it was just a nightmare, that he's safe, Camille can't hurt him.  _Don't worry baby, estas a salvo aqui, No voy a dejar que te pase nada.  
_  
  
Simon still can't understand Spanish, but the way Raphael says it sets his nerves on ease. He says it gently, softly, carefully, like a lullaby or a promise.   
  
  
And Simon believes him.  
  
-  
  
Simon thinks it's stupid to try and define something by using labels and stereotypes and mixed up ideas.  
  
  
_Monster_ doesn't always mean  _something capable of hurting._ Sometimes it means no self control, an incapability to feel basic emotions, wanting, and feeling the drive to hurt someone. It's the same thing with the way  _Human_ doesn't always mean  _capable of breathing._ Other times it means emotions, it means feelings, it means hopes and dreams and goals and bitter loss and  _what happens next.  
  
_  
The first time Raphael told him how he was Turned, Simon cried for him. He told him about losing control, killing his friends, believing himself to be a monster. How Magnus took him in, and how Raphael learned and coped and trained.   
  
  
He was so brave, and Simon told him so. _You weren't_ _a monster_ , he said,  _you were lost and in need of saving. Magnus found you, but you saved yourself. You are amazing, Raphael.  
  
_  
It was something that he knew before, at the back of his mind, a small idea, a thought that he believed to be true. Now it was something he knew, something he felt was right and true.   
  
  
He wanted to apologize for all the times he though otherwise, but he knew that Raphael knew, that Raphael could see the messages in his eyes. And besides, this wasn't about him, this was about Raphael, and what he did.  
  
  
_You're so strong,_ Simon had said in awe, and with tears in his eyes.  _Oh Raphael.  
  
  
_ Maybe it was weird to cry for someone else, but it was something Simon did, because he knew that Raphael needed it. Telling Simon about his first Turning was something done with trust, and Simon could see it in the way Raphael tried to mask himself, tried to make himself sound neutral, as if everything happened so long ago, that the pain dulled.  
  
  
Maybe it did, but it probably didn't go away either.   
  
  
Simon didn't comforting him by telling lies like  _It's ok, you didn't know, you didn't have control yet._ Simon assured him by saying  _You were found, you learned from it, you saved yourself.  
  
  
_ Raphael's eyes had softened at each assurance, and the smile he gave him was so simple, so bright that Simon wondered how he had missed it at all.  
  
  
Raphael could be handsome, with his slicked back hair, smirks, and fancy suits. But the Raphael in front of him was beautiful, with a soft smile, eyes that looked at him with care, and the way he sat, he held himself up, as if he was standing up against the whole world and winning.  
  
  
And when he thought this, Simon's chest tightened.  
  
-  
  
Loving Raphael Santiago wasn't something sudden.  
  
  
It felt gradual, like Simon was nearing a conclusion that wasn't all together terrible, and it felt right. It didn't feel like his feelings for Clary, because those were bursts of jealousy, aching for someone that he couldn't have, wishing she would notice him, and trying his best to impress her.  
  
  
He still ached of course, because pining for Raphael was something he was suddenly good at, and he had always been trying to get Raphael to notice him and be impressed by him. Before it was with the safe boundaries of a student-teacher relationship, but now Simon had no excuse to get Raphael to smile or even to laugh.  
  
  
It was one of his favorite things to do, because smiling Raphael looked amazing, and his laugh was like a burst of song to Simon's ears.   
  
  
He also liked the way Raphael put up with his nerdiness, because anyone who could watch the whole Star Wars series and endure Simon's rants was an amazing person, in Simon's opinion.  
  
  
Falling for him felt comfortable, felt good, and it didn't feel rushed at all. They had forever, didn't they? Simon used to think that that was way too long but if it was spent by Raphael's side, nothing could have gone faster.   
  
  
There was trust in their friendship, care and concern, and more than a little bit of sass. (Simon discovered, much to his delight, that Raphael had a sense for dry and sarcastic humor, and he loved that side of him)  
  
  
He loved all the sides of Raphael Santiago, really, because there was just so much to him that Simon was discovering. There was the shy Raphael, the one who came out after assurances and soft touches, the smug Raphael, who appeared when he was making a point, the frustrated Raphael, who appeared when Simon was being Simon, the fond Raphael, who came out when Simon smiled or ranted about some nerdy thing or other, and the strong Raphael, who held his head up and walked gracefully and made Simon long after him.  
  
  
All of this mixed together was something Simon's poor heart probably couldn't handle if he was still alive, but he still makes do with a tightening ache in his chest, a longing in his eyes, care and concern whenever Raphael made himself be perfectly neutral, and the desire to hold him close and never let him go, to kiss those annoying eyebrows that always managed to raise themselves so gracefully, and to protect him from the world.  
  
  
Which was ridiculous, because Raphael was stronger than him.   
  
  
 _Maybe this is love,_ Simon thinks happily,  _ridiculous thoughts because of a ridiculous longing for an absolutely amazing person.  
_  
-  
  
 _I can't breathe._  
  
  
These were the three words that Alec uttered as soon as Magnus entered the room. Simon wasn't trying to listen in on his conversation with Lydia, but his hearing had improved, thanks to Raphael.  
  
  
 _I know._ _It's ok._ Lydia answered.   
  
  
At first, Simon thought that Lydia meant that it was ok to not be able to breathe when someone you love enters the room, but then he understood that Lydia was telling him more than that. She was letting him go.  
  
  
When Alec walked over to meet Magnus halfway and pull him into a kiss, Simon was so happy for them. He remembers thinking,  _Now this is love._ And wondering what would happen if he ever kissed Raphael like that.  
  
-  
  
 _Is it ok if my breath doesn't catch when I look at you, because I can't breathe?  
  
  
_ Simon needs to know something.  
  
  
 _Is it ok if my heart doesn't beat when you're beside me, close enough to touch, but my chest tightens and my heart feels as if it wants to burst out of my body?  
  
  
_ He wants to know if Raphael feels the same way, because loving him is worth it, he knows that, but pining for him isn't.  
  
  
 _Is it ok if I don't blush when you touch me so casually, but my body feels like it's on fire?  
  
  
_ He's scared to ask.  
  
  
 _Is it ok if I'm falling for you?  
  
  
_ He loves Raphael Santiago so much he's scared of it's intensity and what it might mean.  
  
  
 _Is it ok?_  
  
  
He's scared of messing up, of hurting and betraying Raphael's trust, because their friendship is important to him right now, he can't lose him, he can't lose the only person who understands him, he can't lose the person he loves.  
  
  
Please, don't let him lose Raphael.  
  
-  
  
Funny, how easily he makes mistakes.  
  
  
He did the one thing he didn't want to do, he betrayed Raphael, he betrayed him to save Clary's mom, and dammit even if it was a good cause, all Simon can think about is the hurt in Raphael's eyes, and the words,  _Simon's betrayed us.  
  
_  
He needed to save Jocelyn, he needed to help Clary, he needed to help them. But in return, he betrayed his family, the only people who ever took him in.  
  
  
As soon as Jocelyn is awake, and Clary is done talking to her, he pulls her aside. "I need to go back."  
  
  
"Go back where?" Clary asks, confused.  
  
  
"To the Hotel DuMort. To my family. I need to apologize." Simon says, and he can see the surprise in her eyes.  
  
  
"But Simon, they'll kill you! Are you sure it's worth the risk?" Clary asks.  
  
  
Simon thinks of Raphael, of his trust, his smile, his soft lilting Spanish accent, his friendship. "Of course it is."  
  
  
Clary hugs him once, then nods. "Ok. I trust you."   
  
  
Simon smiles sadly, then walks over to where Magnus is. Alec's hand is on Magnus' shoulder, and he really doesn't want to interrupt their moment together, but he needs to speak to Magnus.  
  
  
"Magnus? Can you do me a favor and inform Raphael that I'm coming to the Hotel?" Simon asks.  
  
  
Magnus looks at him in surprise. "Why?"  
  
  
"Raphael thinks I betrayed him by letting Camille loose, and I think I hurt him. I need to apologize." Simon says, simply.  
  
  
Magnus frowns, and stares at Simon. There's something a little unnerving about his eyes, but Simon stares back. He doesn't hide the sadness and determination in his own eyes, because he's tired of pretending he's not hurting almost as much as Raphael is. He needs him back.   
  
  
After a couple of minutes pass, Magnus nods, once. "Very well. I will inform him."  
  
  
Simon sighs in relief and gratitude. "Thank you."  
  
  
As he turns to leave, Magnus speaks up. "Oh, and Simon?"  
  
  
"Yes?" Simon asks.   
  
  
"Don't let him go." Magnus says, and Simon nods. "I won't."  
  
  
Then he uses his vampire speed to get back to the hotel.  
  
-  
  
Outside, he stops a few feet from the door, and just stares at the building in silence. He considers shouting Raphael's name, but decides that that would be stupid, even for him.  
  
  
So when Raphael suddenly appears in front of him, he jolts a good 5 feet backwards. Raphael regards him wearily on the steps. "Why have you come back, fledgling?"  
  
  
"To apologize." Simon says.  
  
  
"What for, exactly? You've done a lot of things that need to be atoned for, which one are you pertaining to?" Raphael asks, his voice a little bit on edge.  
  
  
"I'm not sorry for getting the book for Clary, because we needed it to wake Jocelyn up. She's like my second mother, Raphael, and I don't have to hide from her, like I do with my real mom. She knows what I am, and she's accepted it." Simon says. "But I'm sorry for the way we did it, I should have tried harder to ask you about what we were doing, and I should have thought about the clan, and I should have thought of another way, but I did it. I did it, and Valentine has the cup, and Jocelyn is awake, and maybe things will get better, but you hate me, and you're standing so far from me, but that's also partly my fault, because I did jump away when you appeared, but that's not important."  
  
  
"Then what is important, Simon?" Raphael asks, and there it is, there's the hurt in his voice, in the way he says Simon's name.  
  
  
Simon swallows nervously. "The Clan took me in. I love Clary and Jocelyn because they always treated me as part of my family, but they're Shadowhunters, and even if they accept me, they're not my kind. The Clan is my kind, my own, my family, and I understand that. I'm not ashamed of it.  _You're_ my family, Raphael, and I hurt you. I took our friendship and betrayed your trust, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. I made a mistake. But I'll find a way to fix this, I promise, because-" And here Simon falters a bit.  
  
  
He takes a deep breath, then continues. "Because saving the world isn't worth losing you. You've always been so strong, Raphael, and I could never hope to save you, because you've always had the courage to save yourself when I couldn't do the same. All I could do was love you."  
  
  
Here, Raphael stands so still, Simon is afraid he's turned to stone.   
  
  
"And it's ok if you don't feel the same way, really, but please, this world needs you Raphael, I need you, and I won't lose another person I love, please don't let me lose you, Raphael. I can't handle it, you're my family, and even if you can be really annoying sometimes, you put up with me, and that makes me smile. Please don't turn me away because of my mistake." Simon's voice cracks, and he thinks he's even crying a little, and he hates it, he's so pathetic sometimes.  
  
  
 _"No quiero perderte tampoco, Simon."_ Raphael says, softly.   
  
  
"What? I can't understand." Simon says, still crying.  
  
  
"Come back home, Simon. We'll fix this." Raphael says softly.  
  
  
And it feels as if Simon is breaking apart and being put back together again. "Thank you, thank you so much."  
  
  
Raphael hesitantly holds out a hand to him, and Simon dashes across and holds it desperately. He wipes away his tears, and he stares at Raphael. "I'm not leaving you again." He promises.  
  
  
"See that you don't." Raphael answers, and he slowly squeezes Simon's hand.   
  
  
They can fix this.  
  
-  
  
There are side effects to being a vampire, and no one knows it better than Simon.  
  
  
He can't be in direct sunlight, he has to drink blood in order to survive, he isn't alive, and he can never get a tan no matter how much he tries to.  
  
  
Yet, he thinks it isn't so bad. Because after all, there are good things too.   
  
  
He's learned that it's ok if he can't breathe when he can talk on and on about how amazing Raphael is, and if he annoys him in the process, that's just a bonus. It's ok if his heart doesn't beat, because he thinks it would just stop every time Raphael so much as looks at him. It's ok if he's not a human, because it doesn't mean that he's a monster.  
  
  
It's ok to fall for Raphael Santiago because loving him is worth it, and that's not a side effect of anything at all, it's just the beginning of an eternity and a promise to stay by each other's sides.  
  
  
They're not going to lose each other again.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I didn't mess this up, please tell me what you thought, or leave kudos? Thank you guys so much for reading! =]
> 
> Translations: (If I have a mistake, please tell me!)  
> Estas a salvo aqui= You're safe here.  
> No voy a dejar que te pase nada= I won't let anything happen to you  
> No quiero perderte tampoco, Simon= I don't want to lose you either, Simon.


End file.
